Tales of Inspiration from Katrina
Mood:  a-ok
There are tons of stories we are hearing in the wake of Katrina, but none really put it all into perspective and reveal the triumph of the human spirit like the one I got in my e-mail from Reggie (attached).

"Mr Candra,
Let me start this off by saying I was a fool to stay in New Orleans, but I wanted to protect my melon stand from looters. I must admit, I am used to fate dealing me a bad hand, as my parents died from drug overdoses when I was a boy, and I was unoficially "Adopted" by gay-married voodoo worshipers. I ran away when I was fifteen, began reading the Bible and pulled my self up by my bootstraps to become a rather wealthy melon stand proprietor, pulling in hundereds of dollars a month. Life was great, and then came Katrina.

Like I said, I couldn't let my life's work be ravaged by the savages of this city. I bought the strongest chain I could find, and wrapped one end of it around the wagon and padlocked the other end to the biggest strongest tree I could find. Then I waited. I waited until the winds got so strong I could hardly stand straight. I climbed twenty-five feet or so up the tree and tied myself to the trunk, aroung my waist. Armed with a shotgun and 5 shells, I felt I'd be ready, since basically all I had to do was shoot one looter, and the corpse would be a pretty firm warning for anyone else.

As it turned out, the storm surge swept my stand away in minutes. There was nothing left but the chain, and melon rinds resembling the end of a Gallagher show. My life's work, gone in a flash. Shortly after the water started to rise, and was creeping ever closer to my feet. If things kept up, I knew I'd be a casualty, like the ones who floated by below. I was so overcome with despair, I almost took the shotgun to myself, but it fell from my hands, perhaps by God's will, and sank into the rising water.

As night fell, I had finished the last piece of Sinckers I had in my pocket and I was panicked. I unfastened myself, and floated away. An hour later, I could make out the shillouette of a roofline, and steered myself toward it and climbed up. then inspiration hit me. Using the rope I had tied myself to the tree with, I made a makeshift raft from the dead cajuns which floated past, and embarked on a voyage back to civilization.

The moral of my story is obvious, Mr Candra. Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.

Thanks,
Reggie"

No, Reggie, thank you, and God bless.

PS- I had to throw the refugees off my property after some of my wife's jewelry ended up missing. It's a shame, too. The lawn never looked so good.

Pitching In
Mood:  a-ok
Hurricane Katrina is obviously a tragedy, and I'm not going to point fingers and hand out blame. It's time to make things better. When one has means, he should pitch in and help out those in need or less fortunate than them. For instance, I have taken in several displaced evacuees, and given them a place to stay on my ranch. I am also providing them meals, and a sense of self-worth by giving them jobs to do around the grounds. I may even give them a little extra cash so they can go out and take in a movie on the weekend.

The Answer at Last
"I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we'd have no terrorists left. Like, don't kill innocent people for no reason. It's not fair. WE love everybody. We'd even like THEM if they said they're sorry. It's not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad.”

- TARA REID, commenting on the London bombings in the latest episode of TARADISE

Thank you, Hollyweird. What a brilliant solution.

Even More Gay TV
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
I'm beggining to think it would be easier to point out the heterosexual shows on television rather than the Gay ones, as the numbers seem to be overwhelming. Anyway, "BJ and the Bear" is obviously a show deeply rooted in sexual deviance.

Consider the name alone. For those readers with unsoiled ears, "BJ" is a term some deviants use for an unnatuaral sexual practice which I shall not dignify by defining further here. "Bear" is a term in the gay community for a big, hairy gay guy, like Dom Deluise, except gay.

Then there's the premise, BJ, a trucker by trade, travels the country with Bear, his male ape companion and finds adventure along the way. Seems innocent enough at first glance, right? It does until you realize the perverse nature of truckers, going from rest stop to rest stop in search of gay satisfaction. This show was aimed at young people with the sole purpose of preparing a whole new generation of gay truckers. How can I say that? Because the chickens have come home to roost. You cannot even relieve yourselves at one of these roadside restrooms without practically tripping over two guys (ore more) kissing. The US government has even had to redesign rest area stalls to decrease these roadside trysts!

You may be thinking "Al, BJ and the Bear is a 20 year old show, what relevancedoes it have today?" Obviously, it's because the gays are trying to reach out to the next generation, so be vigilant, wise sheep, and report any of those recruitment incidents here.

Unspeakable Outrage
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
sick. There are people out there "gaying up" even the non gay cartoons. This calls for a boycot on all cartoons, except Veggietales.

Pullout of Iraq? Are You Nuts?!!!
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
So the Dems are pushing that much harder for a cut and run timetable. All I can say is are those guys really that crazy?!! You exit now, regardless of your opinion of the war, and planes will be crashing into every damned US landmark the very next day.

Has it ever occured to these people that the reason that Iraq can't handle the simple goal of creating a constitution may just have something to do with the fact that they'd really rather not be their own independent country? It's not like they had any independence under Sadaam, so how do they know any better?

On the other hand, why not just make Iraq a US territory? I've brought this one out before, and some of the readership gave me a hard time, but it's time to call a spade a spade- The Iraqi people are just not smart enough to govern themselves. I think we give them at least a "charter run" as a US territory, and if it doens't work out after a couple of years, we can at least say we really tried, and possibly the Iraqi people will be smart enough to rule themselves properly by then.

Karl Rove- Hero
Mood:  amorous
Why does the left just want to tear down anything that represents decency? Nixon, Oliver North, Tom Delay and now, Karl Rove. The liberals want to bring America down from the inside, just like Al Queda. And like Al Queda, they don't care who they hurt in order to meet their end. In fact, I'll go as far as to say the Democratic party may well be the largest sleeper cell in the US, and I don't think I'm exagerating.
Karl Rove is a hero. He has shaped this country into the Juggernaut it is today, possibly even more than my man, W. In this case, he helped bring out the nepotistic tendecies of the CIA, such as giving their spouses trips of a lifetime to such exotic locales as Niger, and the liberals somehow want to spin this as treason?!

Madagascar and Subliminal Racism
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
I went to see Madagascar this weekend with my family to have a little wholesome family fun. The movie seems okay, nothing great, but okay, yet the whole time, something seemed not quite right. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but I just felt uneasy.

Later in the day, it started to come together. This movie is racist. Not in the typical "black are weak" or "Jews are greedy" way, but in a much more sinister fashion. Consider these points:

1. Chris Rock plays a zebra, an animal that is part black, part white in Central Park zoo. He adds a bunch of "izzles" to his lines, just to show you how hip and urban (read black) he is. What is his main ambition in this film? TO GO BACK TO AFRICA!!!!

2. Who plants this idea into his head? The penguins. Penguins are blacker than zebras, about 75% of a penguin is black, as zebras are basically 50/50. The penguins are depicted as a violent, sociopathic bunch, just adding to more racial stereotyping.

After a series of events, the zebra, his Jewish lion and Giraffe friends, played by Ben Stiller and David Schwimmer, respectively, end up in Madagascar along with Jada Pinkett Smith, who plays a hippo (a gray animal, again a combination of black and white).

In Madagascar they help a tribe of lemurs (part of the monkey family) overcome oppression so they can sing and dance hip-hop all day. The lemurs are voiced by Cedric the Entertainer, and Ali-G!!!

So in a nutshell, here is the subliminal racist message of the movie. Blacks should go back to Africa for multiple reasons, inlcuding to help their monkey breathren.

Please keep in mind, I am only pointing out these facts as facts, I do not agree with any of the viewpoints which these sinister cartoonists have depicted in this film. Please direct your outrage at the cartoonists, not me.

Thanks,
Al

Sinister Gay Conspiracies on Our Youth
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
If you don't belive me, check it out.

Lay off DeLay
Mood:  irritated
Dedicated readers,
I'm not usually one to advocate violence, unless it involves supporting our troops, but if you hear anyone making personal attacks against Tom DeLay, I want you to smack them in the back of the head. DeLay is a good and decent man who supports the culture of life. To support that culture costs money, and to that end, Mr. DeLay has done what he has to do. Besides, what he did with Indian Gaming is brilliant:
1. He took money from the Indian Gaming community, thus reducing their overall profit
2. He used that money to prevent other Indian Gaming establishments from developing

In other words, he's sort of bringing down Indian Gaming from the inside, and if you can't see that, you're obviously just blinded by partisanship.

Pope Adolf?
Mood:  not sure
I'm not so sure that going with a former Hitler Youth for Pope is exactly the best PR for Catholics. I still think James Dobson would have made a great new Pope for the 21st century. I'm not Catholic anyway, so no big deal, I guess.

Awesome song, awesome video
Mood:  a-ok
Simply beautiful. If you do not like this song/video, you are should just go join the Taliban and get gay-married.

American Pope
Mood:  a-ok
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I've been trying to put together a good list of names for American candidates for the Papalcy. So far, I've got Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Dr. James Dobson. All three of these men would be ideal candidates, except that they are not actually Catholic. They are all married, too, which would be normal for guys their age, but is typically frowned upon when running for pope. Perhaps if they let their priests/bishops/cardinals/etc get married, they wouldn't have to worry nearly as much about them becoming sexual deviants, but I digress. Please let me know of any other names of people you feel would be good as an American pope.

Thanks,
Al

Hiatus Over
Mood:  a-ok
It's high time to return to the blog. So much has happened in this short timeframe- the shameful Hollywood liberals at the Oscars, the Culture of Life suffering its setbacks with Terri, and so many other outrages.

This post, however is about doing something positive, and making a good thing happen from a bad thing. Pope John Paul II, a great man, passed away this week, and with his passing, I'd love to see the Vaticain consider an American Pope. It would show some real progress, and there are so many viable American candidates for the position.

Personally, I'm not a Catholic but I know many who feel an American Pope would be a brilliant idea for world peace. Catholic readers, do what you have to to make this happen.
Thanks, and God bless,
Al

Candragate
Mood:  blue
With a heavy heart, I've decided that my reporting of the Al Franken candidacy was irresponsible, and I should take a break from blogging for a while. America Strikes Back-The Blog is on indefinite hiatus. Thanks for your loyal support.

Al Candra
President and Founder
United Outraged American Families for Decency

Al Candra- Putting the "Al" in "Values"

The Problem with Getting a Scoop
Mood:  d'oh
The link in the previous post originally said Al Franken was considering becoming a candidte for Minnseota US Senator. The headline has changed since, and he's not. I feel like Dan Rather, except not liberal, and I provide more hard-edged news.

Smalley for Senate
Mood:  happy
Nominate him you stupid, stupid liberal fools! I double-dog-dare you. That's just what we need on C-Span. He's good enough, smart enough, and you liberals don't get enough abuse for stupid things as it is.

Liberal Treason
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
Folks, I want you to recognize the troubles I go through for you. You may recall that a couple weeks ago I posted that awesome picture of Assama's head on a spike being held by my man, W. I took a lot of flack, and got flooded with hate mail, including one from Hollyweird liberals Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. It's okay, I can take it since I'm working for the greater good.

What I cannot take, however, is someone making light of executing the leaders of the last remaining superpower on Earth! This is something I'd expect from Al Jazeera or Al Queda, but you know who won't stand for it? Al Candra, that's who. And I'm sure the United Outraged American Families for Decency will chime in on this as well.

Super Bowl Outrage!!!
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
When will the Super Bowl become a family event again. So many outrages, I think I lost count! Here are a few big ones:
1. The GoDaddy ad mocked the values and decency we stand for.
2. The Diet Pepsi ad with the "Queer Guy".
3. Paul McCartney (he's not American) singing about a guy who "Bought some California grass"
4. One of the Patriots (number 21) had "Gay" printed on his back

Leave your comments, let me know what I missed.

Open Letter to the President
Mood:  sad
President Bush,
I want to start this by saying I am one of your biggest supporters, and if I could have voted for you more than once, I would have. I attended rallies, put up dozens, if not hundreds of signs in your support. You're down-to-earth messages resonate deep within my soul, and give me American pride and a love for freedom that cannot be imagined.

That being said, I need to ask why you cannot get a handle on those girls of yours.

With all due respect, I cut off all ties with my both my daughter and eldest son for far milder embarrassments than those twins cause. Please, for the sake of the country, get these girls in line. Other than that, keep other the brilliant work.

With Sincerest Awe, Reverence and American Pride,
Al Candra

President and Founder- United Outraged American Families for Decency