American Pope
Mood:  a-ok
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I've been trying to put together a good list of names for American candidates for the Papalcy. So far, I've got Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Dr. James Dobson. All three of these men would be ideal candidates, except that they are not actually Catholic. They are all married, too, which would be normal for guys their age, but is typically frowned upon when running for pope. Perhaps if they let their priests/bishops/cardinals/etc get married, they wouldn't have to worry nearly as much about them becoming sexual deviants, but I digress. Please let me know of any other names of people you feel would be good as an American pope.

Thanks,
Al

Hiatus Over
Mood:  a-ok
It's high time to return to the blog. So much has happened in this short timeframe- the shameful Hollywood liberals at the Oscars, the Culture of Life suffering its setbacks with Terri, and so many other outrages.

This post, however is about doing something positive, and making a good thing happen from a bad thing. Pope John Paul II, a great man, passed away this week, and with his passing, I'd love to see the Vaticain consider an American Pope. It would show some real progress, and there are so many viable American candidates for the position.

Personally, I'm not a Catholic but I know many who feel an American Pope would be a brilliant idea for world peace. Catholic readers, do what you have to to make this happen.
Thanks, and God bless,
Al

Candragate
Mood:  blue
With a heavy heart, I've decided that my reporting of the Al Franken candidacy was irresponsible, and I should take a break from blogging for a while. America Strikes Back-The Blog is on indefinite hiatus. Thanks for your loyal support.

Al Candra
President and Founder
United Outraged American Families for Decency

Al Candra- Putting the "Al" in "Values"

The Problem with Getting a Scoop
Mood:  d'oh
The link in the previous post originally said Al Franken was considering becoming a candidte for Minnseota US Senator. The headline has changed since, and he's not. I feel like Dan Rather, except not liberal, and I provide more hard-edged news.

Smalley for Senate
Mood:  happy
Nominate him you stupid, stupid liberal fools! I double-dog-dare you. That's just what we need on C-Span. He's good enough, smart enough, and you liberals don't get enough abuse for stupid things as it is.

Liberal Treason
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
Folks, I want you to recognize the troubles I go through for you. You may recall that a couple weeks ago I posted that awesome picture of Assama's head on a spike being held by my man, W. I took a lot of flack, and got flooded with hate mail, including one from Hollyweird liberals Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. It's okay, I can take it since I'm working for the greater good.

What I cannot take, however, is someone making light of executing the leaders of the last remaining superpower on Earth! This is something I'd expect from Al Jazeera or Al Queda, but you know who won't stand for it? Al Candra, that's who. And I'm sure the United Outraged American Families for Decency will chime in on this as well.

Super Bowl Outrage!!!
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
When will the Super Bowl become a family event again. So many outrages, I think I lost count! Here are a few big ones:
1. The GoDaddy ad mocked the values and decency we stand for.
2. The Diet Pepsi ad with the "Queer Guy".
3. Paul McCartney (he's not American) singing about a guy who "Bought some California grass"
4. One of the Patriots (number 21) had "Gay" printed on his back

Leave your comments, let me know what I missed.

Open Letter to the President
Mood:  sad
President Bush,
I want to start this by saying I am one of your biggest supporters, and if I could have voted for you more than once, I would have. I attended rallies, put up dozens, if not hundreds of signs in your support. You're down-to-earth messages resonate deep within my soul, and give me American pride and a love for freedom that cannot be imagined.

That being said, I need to ask why you cannot get a handle on those girls of yours.

With all due respect, I cut off all ties with my both my daughter and eldest son for far milder embarrassments than those twins cause. Please, for the sake of the country, get these girls in line. Other than that, keep other the brilliant work.

With Sincerest Awe, Reverence and American Pride,
Al Candra

President and Founder- United Outraged American Families for Decency

Post State of the Union Thoughts
Mood:  celebratory
That had to be the single greatest State of the Union address in decades! How can anyone argue against lower taxes for everybody? W nailed it, all the way home! Watch out, liberals, you're on the verge of extinction.

In closing, a quote:
"Jobs are created when the economy grows; the economy grows when Americans have more money to spend and invest; and the best and fairest way to make sure Americans have that money is not to tax it away in the first place." -W

Tonight's the Big Night
Mood:  on fire
State of the Union, and my man W will rock the house! Get ready to reform socially security, and all you little whiny Dems better just fall in line, or move off to your own little island. I even thought of a name for it you'd probably like. Sodomia.

Alberto Gonzales
Mood:  not sure
This is tough for me to put out here, but I cannot support the nomination of Alberto Gonzales for Attorney General. The thing is, I like tough looking Attorney Generals (Ashcroft, Reno). Although Alberto talks a pretty tough game sometime, he just looks like he should be fixing the President's drinks, or perhaps clearing the dinner table. Maybe its just that there's a waiter at the cantina up the street that looks just like him, but I don't know. Let's hear your thoughts.

Star Wars: Ultimate Religious Story
Mood:  spacey
I was watching Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (The first Star Wars, Darth Vader et al) this weekend and it finally really hit me. The whole story is about the power of religion and faith! Think about it, just replace "the Force" with "the Lord" and the whole story is a Christian epic. I guess for best effect you replace "the dark side of the force" with "Satan", but ou get the idea. Even at the end, when they are in the attack on the Death Star, Luke Skywalker turns off his sophistcated computer targeting system, and puts his faith in the Force (Lord), and is victorious! Awesome!

Iraq Elections, Revisited
Mood:  a-ok
OK, the elections in Iraq took place, and far less people died than expected, so it can be called a success, unless they voted in a dictator worse than Sadaam, which would mean back to square one, except worse. I'm disappointed that the Iraqis didn't have a choice to be annexed as a state of the US, but there's always next time. I'd almost take it a little further and allow any country that has something to bring to the table an opportunity to become a United State. We'd of course have to have a committee evaluate the country first to see if we really want them, but then they have the choice to become a state, and then we send over the English teachers and Americanizers.

The Iraq Elections
Mood:  a-ok
I don't know if anyone has brought this up before, but in the Iraq elections, is George W. Bush going to be on the ballot? If not, is there a write-in, or maybe a check box for "American Rule". It's been over 50 years sine we've added a new state, so how about it? Here's what I'm thinking:
1. Cheaper gas and oil
2. Less anti-American sentiment, since they'd actually be Americans
3. It would show the world that everyone wants to be American.

I'm not saying that it would be a cakewalk from there, since we'd have to teach them all English, but it would be a great start.

Preach on, Brother James
Mood:  loud
Topic: Outrage!!!
I took a lot of flack for "outing" cartoon characters a couple of weeks ago, but Here you go. There is a gay conspiracy, they are after our children, and nobody can argue otherwise!

A Halloween Story
Mood:  a-ok
I want to share this with you all now, because its a hilarious story, and I'd probably forget all about it by Halloween.

When I was young and before I got started in the private sector, I was a fifth grade teacher. For those of you who can't recall, fifth grade is the school year that typically lets the kids do more "grown up" kinds of things. They change clasrooms, change clothes for gym, and they do NOT dress up for Halloween in school. Anyway, this one boy- let's call him Mark- heckles me starting October 1 "Mr. Candra, let's have a Halloween party! Mr. Candra, please let us dress up!" Blah Blah Blah.

A little extra background on Mark. Mark was one of the dumbest kids in the class, possibly one of the dumbest students I had in the 2 1/2 years I taught elementary, God bless him. He'd believe almost anything he was told. The kids actually got him to drink toilet water once because they told him he'd turn invisible, and he believed it when they all went "Hey, where'd Mark go". But I digress.

I was having a bad day, and Mark starts up on this Halloween costume thing. So, I send him off on a quick errand to get some tissues from the nurse. While he's gone, I tell all the other students that we're not dressing up for Halloween, but don't tell Mark.

When Mark returned, I took him outside to talk to him in private, and told him we had a class vote, and we would dress up for Halloween on Friday, but the only costume choices were babies or clowns, and you couldn't tell anyone what you were going to dress as. Mark's face lit up, and I knew I had him.

When Friday came around, Mark came to school in one of those one piece pajama sets with the feet. When the other kids saw him, they couldn't stop laughing. Realizing what happened, Mark started to well up a little bit, and this other kid goes, "What's the matter Mark, do you need a bottle, or did you make a stinky?" We called hime "Baby Mark" for the rest of the year. It was the funniest thing ever, and Mark learned a valuable life lesson.

Funniest Site Ever!!!
Mood:  silly
Thanks to Steve Wait till you guys see this one. Totally hilarious stuff! A little racier than my usual fare, but considering who it deals with, it's a must see!

Rules of the Blog
Topic: Blog Rules
Yesterday, I actually had to delete some comments from a participant, and almost banished him from posting here anymore. Then I realized, I had never really posted any blog rules. So, here goes:

Rule #1: Censor yourself if you must curse. Typically, you'll notice on my posts will have a word with a dash in the middle. These words suggest a bad word without being the bad word. Also, you'll notice that the only time I'm using foul language at all is when I'm quoting someone else.

Rule #2: Avoid threats whenever possible. I give a little more leeway on this one, because threats can be interpreted in different ways.

If we all stick to these rules, it will help contribute to the flow of dialogue.

Thanks,
Al

Let's All Calm Down Now...
There's a lot of people (a loud few anyway) getting upset over some come comments recently made on this blog regarding gay people, so I guess I better clarify.

I have nothing against gays. The thing is, I feel it's a bad habit, like picking your nose. Nobody feels bad about making fun of a guy who picks his nose, so what's the difference if you make fun of a guy who likes other guys.

I hope this makes everything clear, and helps reduce any hard feelings.

Thanks,
Al

Osama bin Gay-Married
Mood:  a-ok

This is the funniest thing ever! Herb, you rule!